


Indivisible - 'Till Death do us Part, Right? //Tsukiyama Angst

by Fiona_Haruka



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Grief, M/M, Sorrow, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, major angst, mental health
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:35:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26553700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fiona_Haruka/pseuds/Fiona_Haruka
Summary: sor·row/ˈsärō,ˈsôrō/nouna feeling of deep distress caused by loss, disappointment, or other misfortune suffered by oneself or others."Kei Tsukishima was no more."Kei Tsukishima abruptly ended his life, only mere months before his high school graduation. His death came as a surprise to everyone; even his childhood sweetheart: Tadashi Yamaguchi. With each passing day that Kei had departed from the earth, Tadashi finds out more and more, connecting the past to the future.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 10
Kudos: 29





	1. The Beginning of the End

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is the first time I'm posting anything on this platform so I'm new. I have a Wattpad (fionaharuka) and I'm primarily on there, with more works in multiple fandoms. I'm very new to this forum so if there's anything I could do, please let me know! Angst isn't also my strongest style, but I thought that if I didn't post this, I would never know.  
> In addition, I've been taking requests on my Wattpad, and I will open up to the same here. I have a one shot series over on my wattpad, but I will do series if asked.  
> I hope you guys have a happy reading!

Blip.  
Blip.  
Blip.  
Blip.  
Beeeeep.  
Silence.  
His hand became colder and colder with each fraction of a moment. All he could remember was that his ears weren’t letting any sound in. People, pulling him away. Him wanting to scream, but nothing coming out. His feet dragging against the floor. The hard chair encompassing his being. The fraction of his soul leaving his body. Nothing else.  
It was over.  
His life; his being, existence, relationships, over.  
Kei Tsukishima was no more.  
At least in the earthly way. When the doctors pulled the final plug on his life support, and pulled the white sheet over his pale, shrunken face, he had in fact, deceased. However, his spirit lived in few.  
The steps to his house felt heavier than ever before. He didn’t have the company of him to hold his hand, or ruffle his hair. The familiar sound of his footsteps still seemed to echo in his head. He turned around multiple times, just to look down the street with a blank look in his face. He was never going to be there. He was gone. Instead of going home just yet, he turned to the convenience store at the corner of his street. A wave of cool air had rushed in and brushed his face. After a few minutes of wandering, he reached the refrigerated section. His fingers brushed upon a packaged slice of strawberry shortcake; his favorite. The only thing he’d eat willingly; something he had to bribe him with to make sure he was eating okay. A singular tear rolled down his cheek as he grabbed the cake and handed it to the cashier. He left the store as quickly as he entered, and before he realized, he was standing in front of his door. He went up to his room, and shut the door.  
“Hey mom, I’m not feeling good, I would like to be left alone tonight.” He set his phone down, and slowly unwrapped the cake, letting the sweet smell of the sponge and cream fill his room. He let his legs give out as he slumped against the wall, as he whiffed a scent of memories. Everywhere he turned, he was there, waiting to haunt him. Everything reminded Tadashi of him. He started to shake as he brought the cake to his mouth, and with each bite he took, tears started streaming down his eyes. Tadashi remembered: Kei was the only one that wasn’t crying that day. The day they had lost to Aoba Josai. The only one who could keep a straight face after they realized that they possibly didn’t have a chance at nationals.  
“It’s only a club.” He said. It felt so recent, yet so long ago. Before he found the heat, before he was gone. Sure, it was a club, but it was so much more. Friendships and relationships had blossomed from the so-called club. Many found their true calling and identities; tears were shed, and screams were heard.  
“Just a club.” He scoffed, mouth full of cake. “How do you explain this?” He wiped his tears away with the sleeve of his school uniform. He sighed, and threw the wrapper in the already overflowing trash can. He tossed his school uniform in a pile by his door, mentally reminding himself that he should do his laundry over that weekend. He needed to look presentable on the outside if he was going to try and cover the fact that he was shattered on the inside.  
Study.  
He needed to study.  
College entrance exams were only a couple of months away, and he couldn’t fail. He opened his book, but all he could do was stare at it. The words were blurred, sentences merging, being completely illegible to his eyes.  
“Forget it.” He slammed the book shut, neglecting the rest of his work that sat woefully in his school bag. He instead reached inside and pulled out a jacket. He hugged it as he crept into his bed. It smelled of shortcake and pencil shavings.  
Indescribably Kei.  
He slid his arms through the sleeves, which were a little too long, even for Tadashi’s above average height and limb length. He brought the collar up to his nose, and continued to breathe in the smell, as he looked into the night sky. He looked out and saw a star that was shining particularly bright that night.  
“I know that’s you, Kei. I hope you’re doing good up there. You know… happy, calm, at peace. I'll hold up down here… I think. Your funeral is going to be on Tuesday. I hope you don’t mind that I invited everyone from our first year in volleyball. I know that even Akaashi, Bokuto, and Kuroo are making plans to come up to Miyagi and attend.” He paused for a moment and stared at the sky.  
“I love you.” His voice cracked as tears started streaming down his face once more. Unable to bear the sight of the sky, he drew his curtains quickly, darkening the room even more. He rolled over, and slid his hands into the jacket pockets. Inside one was a piece of paper, even Tadashi didn’t know was there. It felt worn out, like he had kept it there and touched it repeatedly. Tadashi turned over and switched his lamp on, as he took out the paper to examine.  
“Tsukki..”

“What is that?” Kei glanced over Tadashi’s shoulder during a passing period.  
“It’s just a doddle from math class, I was bored.” He started to put the paper away before Kei placed his hand firmly on the paper. He took it off of Tadashi’s desk, and pulled a pair of scissors out of his, and cut out the little doodle; and handed the rest of the paper back to Tadashi.  
“What? I like it.” Kei said softly as he blushed. He slid it into his volleyball bag and secured the zipper.

“He kept it this whole time?” Tadashi held the doodle to the light to see it more clearly. It was a simple drawing of a dinosaur, almost completely faded away by presumably how often Kei stuck his hands in the pockets. Tadashi rolled out of bed, and grabbed a roll of tape. He stuck the drawing on his wall, right underneath his window.  
“Now you’ll always be right by me.” He ran his fingers against the lines of the drawing.  
He felt his eyes starting to droop, but he fought sleep for a while. How long had it been since he slept? It must’ve been days. He hadn’t slept since.. The fateful day. However, that night, he felt calm. Kei’s presence around him was strong.  
It felt so wrong though, falling asleep to a world without Kei. Knowing that he would wake up the next morning, and he won’t be there to text him good morning, to go to Saturday practice and yell at the underclassmen, and go buy lunch with him after. That he wouldn’t be there for their graduation, their official ceremonies of adulthood, their first sips of alcohol, everything. It just felt..  
Wrong.  
No, he needed to sleep. There was no reason to fight it; he was eventually going to lose. Kei would’ve wanted him to take care of himself. But Kei would’ve wanted him happy, and he had done just the opposite to Tadashi.  
“How can you be so selfless and so selfish? I want to hate you so bad, but I can’t help but love you so much!” Tadashi sniffled as he wrapped himself under his blankets. He was moving around, trying to get comfortable; when he felt his leg run across something. It was a stuffed dinosaur. One that Kei had left a while back when he slept over.

“Hey, you left your dinosaur at my house the other day.” Tadashi said as he ran to catch up to Kei on their way home from school.  
“Oh yeah, I noticed earlier.” Kei looked back. “You can keep it, I know you probably like it more than me.” Tadashi blushed.  
“I-I mean I guess..” He sighed. “It just reminds me of you, and I really like that.”  
“If you were anyone else, I’d be repulsed by the thought of you.”  
“Thanks?” Tadashi questioned as Kei slid his hand into Tadashi’s.  
“Yeah yeah.” Kei gripped his hand slightly harder as he ran his thumb against Tadahi’s hand. The rest of the walk was silent, off into the blazing sunset of that evening.

He grabbed the dinosaur, and brought it to his face. It too smelled a lot like Kei, though some of the smell had faded since Tadashi acquired it. With the comfort of the dinosaur, jacket, and the thought of him looking over, Tadashi let go of his fight with sleep, and drifted off uneasily into the realm of unconsciousness.


	2. Liabilities and Bittersweet Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't realize that the parts I wanted italicized didn't actually do that when I copied and pasted from my google doc; but I am much too lazy to redo it. So, I hope that I fixed it; if not, anything with Kei dialogue is safely a memory that was meant to be italicized. I didn't expect like almost 70 hits so far, so this is kind of insane. Thank you!  
> Happy reading (or sad I guess, what I seem to do best)  
> Also, I am so incredibly sorry for the long wait, I've been struggling through the junior year slump. Also Also, oh my god does the indenting process take forever-

_“Tadashi.” A soft voice whispered into his ear. Tadashi turned over and to his surprise, Kei was laying down right next to him._

_“Kei?”_

_“Good morning, handsome.” He planted a kiss on Tadashi’s forehead, prompting Tadashi to slither into Kei’s open arms._

_“I love you.” Tadashi breathed in the smell of the shortcake and pencil shavings._

_“I love you too.” Kei started rubbing the small of Tadashi’s back, in a seemingly perfect clockwise pattern. Tadashi let himself immerse in the sensation of Kei, and started to drift back to sleep. However, within a few seconds, he started feeling the circular motion of Kei’s hand slow down, and the signature scent of Kei was starting to lift, and the pungent odor of a hospital room returned. When Tadashi opened his eyes, he was uncomfortably wrapped around Kei and his machinery, the hissing of the breathing tubes encompassing all sound in the small, dreary ICU unit._

_“Kei…” Tadashi lifted his hand and placed it on Kei’s slim cheeks; but the second his skin touched Kei’s, he started to disappear. In frantic, Tadashi looked around, and all of Kei started to evaporate._

_“No, Kei! Come back! Kei!”_

_“KEI!”_

He shot up, face beaded with sweat. He checked the time; 4:06 am. He slept for about 4 hours, but it had felt like nothing at all. He swung his legs over the bed, and brought his knees to his chest. No matter what he did, no matter what kind of dreams he dreamt, Kei was still going to be gone.

_“Hey captain, are you coming to practice this morning?” A SMS notification came into his phone, and it was one of the first years._

_“Why don’t we all go, but not play? I wouldn’t think we’d get anything done.”_ Tadashi responded, and slid his phone into his bag. He grabbed his sweatsuit, but instead of his jacket, he slid back into Kei’s, catching another whiff of his scent. He slid his shoes on, and silently left his house. He was running about 2 ½ hours ahead of schedule, for Saturday practice didn’t start until around 7 am. Instead of going straight to Karasuno, which was only about a 20 minute walk, he stopped by a park, which was about halfway between his and Kei’s house. They used to visit that park often, and shared memories there. At one point, they had been there almost every day.

For Tadashi, it had been almost a week without going to that park. He slid through the entrance, entangled by neglected shrubs, and heard the crickets chirp as he started to climb the steep hill in the back. Memories all throughout his life were coming back to him: the first time he and Kei had met, the countless times he had been picked on and knocked down by his bullies; their first kiss, all the way back in junior high. Many of his first experiences were enclosed in the premises of the park, safe and sound to the outside. He seated himself right where he would normally sit with Kei and looked down at the park. At such an early time in the day, there were only a few people walking their dogs before work, and there weren’t any children making a scene like Tadashi would normally expect to hear. He laid his back flat against the grassy hill, and looked up at the trees.

_“Kei! I’m stuck!” Tadashi said with tears in his eyes._

_“What am I supposed to do? You know I don’t like heights.” Kei muttered. “Fine.” He reached his long limbs and caught onto some of the lower branches of the tree, and hoisted himself up into the branches. Within a minute, he reached where Tadashi was holding on for dear life, and extended his right hand. Tadashi sniffled, and slithered himself onto Kei’s back. From there, Kei slowly jumped down from branch to branch, Tadashi whimpering slightly as Kei landed rather aggressively when he reached the trunk, and slid down. Tadashi slid off of Kei’s back and looked up at the seemingly giant child._

_“Don’t make me do that again.” Kei muttered as he grabbed his schoolbag and swiftly left the park._

Tadashi felt a tear roll down his eye, but didn’t bother to wipe it away. He sighed, and continued to look up at the sky until he realized he had let his thoughts wander for way too far, and checked his watch: 6:30. He stood up and took a deep breath of the fresh forest air, and shuffled through the entanglement of shrubbery once more to make his way to Karasuno. When he had arrived at the second gym, home of the Karasuno volleyball club, he still felt as though there was a piece of him that was missing. He heard the familiar sounds of the overhead fans whirring as he walked towards the entrance. By the door were some outdoor shoes, and he slid his off and put on his volleyball shoes.

“Tadashi..” Hinata got up from a circle of first and second years, all clearly upset. “Are you okay?”

“I mean.. Not really, but I feel Tsukki here and protecting me wherever I go nowadays and It’s honestly kind of comforting.”

“That’s good. We’re all here for you, and if you don’t want us to come to the funeral on Tuesday, we’ll leave you alone.” Hinta patted his shoulder.

“Thanks, but I think I’d want you guys at the funeral. I know that Kei was cold to everyone here, but deep down, he really appreciated you guys.” Everyone nodded. “Plus, you first and second years finally get to meet the rest of the nationals dream team. We didn’t win, but for only working for a few months, we were good.”

“Amen to that.” Kageyama joined the other third years in the huddle. “It seems so empty without the beanstalk here.” All three nodded.

“Oh wait, I have something for you.” Hinata said, and ran to his bag. He reached in, and pulled out a piece of what looked like thick fabric and brought it over to Tadashi. He extended his hand, and in it was a small patch, with the number 11 and the number 3. The 2 main numbers that he wore for his first and third years with Karasuno.

“Th-thanks, guys. This is so cool.” Tadashi said, as he took the patches and gripped them in his hand. “Yachi found those the other day at the store, and wanted you to have them. She’s with her mom right now, so she isn’t at practice; but she’s coming to the funeral.” Hinata said. Tadashi nodded, and walked further into the gym. It was empty; the rest of the team had put away the nets, poles, and other equipment, but the air felt so heavy and full. The simple black team banner that flew at every tournament was hanging from their balcony.

“Fly.”

Exactly what Kei was doing.

Soaring. Tadashi sighed as he let the tears stream down his face. He didn’t bother trying to be strong, and started to break down. He didn’t care that anyone saw at that point; everyone knew about his attachment with Kei. “Tadashi..” Hinata grabbed his shoulder and crouched down with him. Tadashi ended up falling back, letting his muscles loose. Hinata was able to scoop his back up and sat Tadashi up, who just ended up falling on his shoulder. Slowly, the shoulder fabric of his shirt was dampening, and Hinata felt tears cascading from his face as well.

“I just miss him..” Tadashi stammered. “He wasn’t supposed to leave me; we told each other that in junior high.”

“I know. I miss him too, but I can’t imagine the pain you’re going through.” Hinata tried to comfort Tadashi. “Go home. Or go to Kei’s family. You need them, and they need you.” Tadashi nodded, and slowly stood up. He looked up at the underclassmen, who all had shrunken faces. “If I’m not at practice for a while, I want you to listen to the other third years and coach. Keep practicing. We have prelims for prefecture qualifiers in a month, and I want to honor Kei there by winning.” The underclassmen nodded, and Tadashi slipped off his volleyball shoes and slid on his street shoes and left the gym.

_“Is it okay if I come to your house? I just want to spend time in his room.” Tadashi texted Kei’s older brother. “I won’t be a bother, I won’t talk.”_

_“You can come anytime, Tadashi. You’ve been like family for years. It’s best we grieve like one too.”_

He already knew exactly how to get to Kei’s house. He had gone down that route hundreds of times all year long. From the day he got his acceptance to Karasuno, or even back when he had come back from the mall with a plushie as a gift. Within minutes, he found himself in front of the gate. He quietly let himself in, and before he went indoors, he went into the corner of the front gated section of the property, which was mostly lined with Kei’s mother’s plants. However, there were a plethora of soybean plants that they actually started growing in third grade.

_“Tadashi, as a symbol of our friendship, we should plant our soybean science experiments in the same pot!” Kei declared as they boys brought home their plants they had used as a biology lesson._

_“And every year, we plant a new bean next to it to show another year of our friendship!” Tadashi added._

_“Yeah!” Kei grinned. “And then we can look back together and see a whole bunch of these because we’re always going to be friends.”_

_“Always!”_

It was that time of year again where they would pick the bean and plant it. They were busy the past weeked with a practice match, so Tadashi didn’t even visit the Tsukishima household.

“One for me.” He whispered, and plucked a pod. “And one for you.” He dug a small hole by the edge of the pot which was already getting full with their 18 other plants starting to crowd the area. He gingerly placed the pods side by side, and covered it with the soil he had dug up. He dragged the hose out from the other side of the courtyard, and then gently watered the whole plant, making sure it was completely saturated everywhere.

“You two still did that?” Akiteru, Kei’s older brother peered from the front door.

“We did.. Every year. This was going to be a decade.” Tadashi sighed.

“Well, it IS a decade. Nothing is going to change the fact that you’re friends, and most of all lovers. I know how much he loved you on earth, and that’s not going to change that even if he’s not quite here.” He gestured to Tadashi to enter, so he followed the older Tsukishima child inside.

“Tadashi…” Kei’s mother sat at the kitchen table, clearly emotionally tired.

“I just want to spend some time in Kei’s room, if that’s okay.” She nodded, and he quietly went down the hall to the last door on his right. It was an average door, nothing on it that would indicate its former resident, but he knew exactly where he was going into. Perhaps the most painful thing he was going to face. He put his hand on the brass doorknob, letting his clammy hands absorb the cool from the metal. He turned it clockwise, and pushed the door, opening a rather neat space.

_“Wow, this is your room?” Tadashi marved at the room, tidied spic and span._

_“Yeah, I guess.” Kei shut the door behind him. The room wasn’t anything remarkable, quite average for a boy their age. He had shelving lining the wall across from his bed, with figurines of different dinosaurs, and even stuffed ones. His bedsheets were a soft forest green, with a welcoming two pillows and another stuffed animal, and even his bag had a special spot next to his desk, with a hook attached to make sure it didn’t hit the ground._

_“It’s.. so cool!” Tadashi wandered around the room, and attempted to absorb the whole arua of the room in that moment._

_“You look kind of stupid right now.” Tsukki pushed up his glasses and smirked, while Tadashi pouted._

He sat down on the bed, which had upgraded in size throughout the years. The comforter was pillowy and soft, as if he had just pulled it back from drying out in the sun all day. His desk looked ordinary, with all of his textbooks he didn’t need sitting in an orderly pile on the left side of the desk. The floors had been recently vacuumed. It was almost as if no one had touched anything for months. But everyone had their messy spot in their lives. Tadashi got up, and opened the closet, to reveal a mess of clothes everywhere. For how put together Kei seemed, he always threw a fit about what to wear. He was so used to the uniforms that when it came to dressing for dates, he was utterly clueless.

_“Hey Kei, I’m here!” Tadashi rapped on the door, which was firmly closed and locked, a rarity._

_“I-I’m not ready yet!”_

_“He’s been like this for 45 minutes now.” Akiteru came up from behind. “You’re the only one that he gets flustered about, you know.”_

_“I heard that!” Kei swung the door open, revealing what he was wearing. Simple really. A button down, with a baby blue crew neck layered over; paired with tan slacks, and white tennis shoes. A pretty ordinary outfit._

_But Tadashi was mesmerised. It worked perfectly with his lanky figure, and complimented his blonde hair. The glasses added the touch of Kei that completed the whole outfit._

_“Have fun, lovebirds.”_

_“You’re just mad that you’re single.” Kei grabbed Tadashi’s hand and swung it in Akiteru’s face as the front door closed behind them._

The same baby blue crew neck appeared in many of their dates since then. It wasn’t cold enough until a few weeks prior, so it was stored in the back of the closet alongside most of his winter things. No matter how many pieces of clothing Tadashi had forced him to buy, he only ended up wearing the same few sweaters. He picked the sweater up, and slid his head and arms through. Once again, the sleeves were just a little too long for his frame, but he let the fabric hang off of his wrists.

“I miss you so much.” He sighed, as he took a whiff of his scent from the cuff of the sleeve. All of a sudden, he heard a blip coming from the hook. He zipped open the schoolbag, and inside was Kei’s phone, among other rather mundane items. He gingerly picked it up, as if it was going to shatter in his hands. It was the Karasuno text chat, talking about what attire to wear for the funeral. He sighed, and swiped up. He was greeted by a 4 digit passcode. “Eleven-ten.” He punched in the numbers to his birthday, and to his dismay, was incorrect. It wasn’t Tadashi’s birthday. He started to pace the room, trying to conjure what the passcode could possibly be. Kei was a simple person, who didn’t bother coming up with elaborate passwords for any of his private information. _“No one would want to steal from me anyways. I literally lead one of the dullest lives I know.”_ He started to look around his walls, trying to find a clue to what the password could possibly be. The walls in his room were pretty bare, only a few things were hung up; including a calendar, a poster of dinosaurs that hadn’t moved since Tadashi visited for the first time, and a picture of the two of them. Tadashi walked over to it, which was adjacent to his door, so whenever someone would leave, they wouldn't miss the picture. It was Kei’s way of saying “I don’t always show people in public that you’re mine, but this way, only the people who need to know will know.” He slid the picture out of the frame. It was a selfie; taken on Tadashi’s phone. The cherry blossoms in the background covered the majority of the picture. Spring time. The time of beginnings and ends. He flipped the picture back to see the timestamp, even though he already knew exactly when it was.

_03/24._

_March 24th._

It was the fateful day of the start of Kei and Tadashi’s romantic relationship, nearly 3 years prior to that point. He remembered as if it were just the other day.

_It was slightly chilly out, and the breeze had blown through Tadashi’s hair as he was preparing to head back from their middle school graduation. He was waiting by the pillars for Kei, who was held back by a crowd of girls, per usual. He fixed his new high school uniform he wore as a symbol of where he was representing and peered into the crowd. “Let. Me. Out!” Kei pushed through a trio of girls that had been pining over him for years; all of them using Tadashi to befriend, just to go and try and ask Kei out._

_“Kei!” Tadashi waved, as Kei sprinted to catch up. He started to walk outside of the middle school gates, looking back one last time. They were finally the cool high schoolers they had always admired._

_“I just want to be left alone, don’t they get that?” Kei ruffled his hair as he scoffed at the girls who were starting to follow him._

_“I’m-I’m not really sure.” Tadashi sighed._

_“Let’s get out of here.” Kei took a quick left turn, and motioned Tadashi to blend in with the group of their graduating class, and escape the fangirls. They stayed with the group for about ¾ of their journey home, before Kei grabbed Tadashi’s arm, and led him to the park that they had always gone to._

_“Why… are we going this way?” Tadashi asked._

_“You’ll see.” He said, as he quickened his already speedy pace. When they slid through the shrubs, they entered what seemed like a new realm. The encompassing view of the vibrant cherry blossoms blooming seemed…_ _ethereal. Angelic. Tadashi sucked in a breath of awe. “Tadashi..” Kei said softly. Tadashi whipped his head around, and Kei was looking down at his feet._

_“What’s up?”_

_“I-I have some-som-something to say.” Kei never hesitated. Whatever was on his mind, he would say straight up, no matter how rude or uncalled for the quip was._

_“Kei?”_

_“I-I really like you… Tadashi.” His cheeks flushed a deep crimson. “I’ve liked you for a while, I think. I needed to come to terms with my sexuality, and I was confused- shit, this isn’t the way I wanted to say this.” He turned away, but was greeted by Tadashi, who stepped around to face him._

_“That’s more than enough.” He cupped Kei’s jaw, and extended his toes to reach for a kiss. Kei’s hands instinctively slid to the small of Tadashi’s back, supporting his stance as he caught the kiss back. Tadashi’s other arm wrapped around Kei’s neck, absorbing every ounce of warmth from each other.  
The kiss lasted a mere 4 or 5 seconds, but it was the best kiss Tadashi had ever felt. Of course, it was both of their first times, but that kiss exceeded both of their expectations. They slowly pulled apart, trying to keep their lips on each other as long as possible. Tadashi looked up at Kei with gleaming eyes, while he had a look of relief casted on his face. _

_“I thought it was obvious that I liked you.” Tadashi whispered into Kei’s ear._

_“Well, they say that it’s obvious except for the 2 fools that are in it.” Kei retorted. Tadashi put his heels down from the air, and steadied himself._

_“This calls for a selfie.” Tadashi declared._

_“What?”_

_“C’mon, Tsukki, you’ll regret it if we don’t do it.” He brought the phone out and waved it in front of Kei’s face._

_“Fine, for my boyfriend.” He sighed, making Tadashi blush._

_“Okay.. say cheese!”_

He hugged the photo close to his chest and closed his eyes once more.

_“Hey Tadashi! Come look at this!” Kei shouted from his room even before Tadashi had a chance to take his shoes off._

_“I’m coming, I’m coming!” He slid through the wooden hallway, and into Kei’s room. Inside was Kei, holding a picture frame, with the one and only cherry blossom selfie. “Where did you even-”_

_“I stole your phone at volleyball practice one day and sent it to myself. I wanted to print it but I didn’t want you to know quite yet.” He said. “I remember when you caught a flower and made me wear it in my hair for my brother to see.” He admired the photo._

_“That was hilarious.” Tadashi chuckled._

_“Anyways, I just wanted to show you that this photo is going right… here.” He hung up the frame right by the door. “So whenever I enter or exit my room, I’ll be able to see the 2 of us.”_

_“That is maybe the sweetest thing you’ve ever done.” Tadashi kissed him square on the lips, startling Kei and making him blush._

Tadashi opened his eyes and quickly punched in the code: 0324. The screen changed from a picture of the both of them at nationals in their first year, to just a picture of Tadashi, asleep. He looked at himself, who in the photo was peacefully dozing off.

“I wonder where he got this one.” He whispered, as he loosened his grip on the phone. Without realizing, Kei’s headphones he used every day fell onto the floor. It was a christmas gift from Tadashi one year, and he had kept it in pristine condition. Tadashi slid the headphones over his head, adjusting the band to where it wouldn’t slide off. He opened his music app, and saw the most recent playlist. The name didn’t have any words, just one emoji: A red heart split into two. He opened the playlist, and clicked on the command to play the last song. The last song Kei heard in his life. A piano opening started playing through the small speakers. The song was unfamiliar to Tadashi, but he continued to listen.

_Baby really hurt me_

_Crying in the taxi_

_He don't wanna know me_

_Says he made the big mistake of dancing in my storm_

_Said it was poison_

He opened the flag of the song to see the name: Liability. Was that what he was thinking about? The last thing on his mind? His mother said she found the phone and headphones on him, plugged in and was paused. His last thoughts were that song. Before he even fully fathomed the idea, he heard the crescendo in the lyrics and back sound, indicating a chorus.

They say, _"You're a little much for me_

_You're a liability_

_You're a little much for me"_

_So they pull back, make other plans_

_I understand,_

_I'm a liability_

_Get you wild, make you leave_

_I'm a little much for_

_E-a-na-na-na, everyone_

He wasn’t a liability to Tadashi though, the furthest from that. Did he not understand that? Tadashi started to feel the pent up frustration boil over. How could he have been so selfish? Did he not see all the people that loved and cared for him? Tadashi collected his breath, and sprawled out on the bed, letting the lyrics fill his head once more. At that point, he had become numb to all feeling. He couldn’t remember a time where he wasn’t hurting in this way.

“Tsukki, it hurts. So bad.” He whispered as he closed his eyes. The last thing he wanted to do was sleep, but his body won. Lorde’s vocals started to seep into his brain as he drifted off into an unwanted sleep.

_They're gonna watch me_

_Disappear into the sun_

_You're all gonna watch me_

_Disappear into the sun._


	3. 100 Reasons and a Revulsion Against Thanatophobia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this is really cringey; but I'm currently trying to re-spark my inspiration to write ANY of my fics spread around 2 platforms, so enjoy? I probably will have very slow updates, but I'm going to try and finish this at some point, please bear with me.

He felt sick. Like he was going to vomit. He had his head over the toilet for 15 minutes, but all he was doing was dry heave. There was nothing to throw up anymore.

Since the initial shock had glossed over, Tadashi was a changed person. His already less than average portion sizes shrunk, he could barely stay awake in class, often finding himself dozing off, and even his classmates having to wake him up on occasion.

The seemingly endless cycle of waking up, going to school, exhausting himself at practice, running longer routes home, barely eating, doing just enough homework to get by, and falling asleep with Kei's jacket draped over him was honestly becoming depressing.

Even the jacket was starting to lost Kei's sweet smell, instead a layer of doom fell upon him whenever his arms slid through the sleeves.

Was he going to forget him? Just like the fabric of the jacket was forgetting his scent?

It was almost as if he couldn't even remember his scent anymore. The very scent he breathed in and savored for years.

Apparently he didn't savor enough.

He thought he didn't take those moments for granted. He really did.

_"Morning, Tsukki!" Tadashi ran up to the quiet blonde. It was a crisp 20 degrees or so, and each exhale warranted a small puff of condensation into the air. Kei was unusually quiet, that morning with a mask over his face, lightly fogging his glasses._

_"Are you okay?" Tadashi leaned in front of Kei's figure, and he looked up silently from his phone, and lowered his headphones to be resting on his neck. He took his other hand out from his jacket pocket, and gently guesterd to his throat: "I lost my voice."_

_"Aww, you don't feel good?" Tadashi asked, getting a small nod in response. Kei stuck his hand back into the poorly lined pocket, most likely providing little to no warmth. He shakily exhaled. He shouldn't have gotten up that morning; he felt himself shake with every step. He hadn't eaten in almost a day, and didn't get much sleep._

_"Is your mom going to be home?" Tadashi asked, in which Kei shook his head "no". The motion of his head moving yielded in a gust of cold air, making the cartilage on his ears sting._

_"We're going home." Tadashi announced, and slid his hand through Kei's arm, and forcefully started to drag him back in the direction they came in. The already weak Kei didn't object; he rarely did if Tadashi was the objector in question regardless._

_"You, are changing out of the uniform, and get warm in bed." Tadashi said as the two slipped into the house. Kei reluctantly placed his shoes in the cabinet to his left, and slowly walked into his room._

_He flung his uniform in the corner by his doorway, too bothered to hang it up._

_"It's just going to get wrinkled anyways; like I care."_

_He slid into a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie that Tadashi had previously gifted, and pulled back the covers of his bed that seemed like a 6 year old had tried to straighten up for the first time._

_"At least mom won't be pissed that I did a shitty job making my bed if I'm just gonna be in here all day." He slid on top of the cold sheets that enveloped his lean legs, feeling a shudder down his spine._

_"Damn, I must be really sick." He normally never felt that way, even if he had a cold or the flu. He was always able to combat the illness by half-assedly chugging some DayQuil and calling it a day._

_For a split second, he decided that he felt so isolated. In that moment, all he wanted was affection; he wanted to be little spoon. He always spooned Tadashi, which went one a few ways._

_That day, he wasn't interested in any of those options._

_He just wanted to feel warm and comforted that day. His heart ached and longed for it._

_Generally, he wasn't always one for affection; he felt that it was pointless. Partners got too attached and comfortable with each other. He preferred straight up sex if was being honest. But sometimes, Tadashi would object, giving Kei the classic puppy dog eyes look to just nap._

_For Tadashi, he always gave in._

_Always for Tadashi._

_Yeah, he was neglected quite often as a kid, what about it?_

_"Tsukki..." Tadashi knocked on his door softly, and walked in. In one hand was a mug of tea, and in another was their movie: Call me by your name. They had watched it almost every weekend since they had started dating. It was Tadashi's favorite, and Kei had only started to watch to make Tadashi happy, but soon got as attached as his boyfriend did._

_"Come here; you're little spoon today." Tadashi pushed Kei over, and he moved closer to the edge of the bed. Tadashi quietly set down Kei's hot tea on a table next to his bed, and pulled the covers over their bodies._

_Tadashi always knew how Kei was feeling; and what he wanted._

_Most of the time, anyways._

_"You're freezing, aren't you?" Tadahshi inched up until his chin was resting on Kei's shoulder. He kicked his left leg over Kei's torso, intertwining it with Kei's._

_"Thank you." though nothing was audible, Tadashi knew. He gingerly kissed Kei's neck in response._

_"No, thank you."_

He missed those rare moments.

The ones where Kei was... the best kind of Kei.

The Kei who wouldn't mind cooking a 3 course meal as a date.

The Kei that knew exactly was going on in Tadashi's head at all times.

The Kei that gave him butterflies in his stomach every instance he opened his mouth to quip a sarcastic but sweet comment.

All those moments; passed by. No longer the present; no longer available in the future.

Something Tadashi wasn't quite ready to grasp.

He remembered a particular time, however, when he knew that what they had was something special. Something he was ready to cherish until his last breath; seems as though Kei reciprocated on his end.

_The sound of lips joining and tongues colliding filled the otherwise empty Tsukishima household. Kei's parents had left town for the weekend to help Akiteru move into his first house. Tadashi had offered to keep him company while he was home alone, and Kei pounced on the idea. That was their first time spending that much time alone together._

_With the netflix original neglected, the two were 'going down to town' on each other's faces. Both were inexperienced in any means, but they just... fit._

_They were perfect._

_Tadashi comfortably laid on top of Kei; one hand tracing the outline of his muscles on his chest, the other holding and stroking his cheek. Kei's hands on the flip side, were discovering the vast new territory of Tadashi that hadn't been explored. His fingers devoured every part of Tadashi: his soft, supple skin, to the muscles that defined themselves when he would inch up on Kei. Eventually, his hand reached its destination of the waistband of Tadashi's joggers. At first, he just fidgeted with the fabric hanging loosely off of the elastic, but eventually made his way back up. He started to slide his fingers first up in his shirt and then down in his pants when Tadashi flinched._

_Immediately, a concerned look was cased over Kei's face._

_"Are you okay?" Always the first 3 words of concern for Kei. "Did I go too far? I'm sorry.." He whispered softly; to the point where the sentiment of concern and guilt would've gone unheard with even the slightest background noise._

_"I-it's okay.." Tadashi stuttered._

_"I'll be ready when you're ready. There's plenty of time to do things. They say ''till death do us part' for a reason. I don't think the death part is coming anytime soon."_

_"Till death do us part? You want to marry me?"_

_"Why wouldn't I, dumbass? Do you want me to stand up and present a soliloquy on every reason I have the intent of marrying you; Shakespeare style? I know we both dig his stuff but I'm not that embarrassing."_

_"Of course you'd be the one to turn down a performance because you're embarrassed." Tadashi laughed._

_"Whatever. I meant it thought. 'Till death do us part. We're going to be forever and always. We're indivisible."_

_"Indivisible?"_

_"Yes. Indivisible."_

Indivisible his ass. Not even 2 years later, they were very much divided, with a barrier of death keeping Kei fenced in, and commandeering Tadashi out.

However, he knew deep down.

Deep down that Kei was always a part of him; whether or not he was physically there.

He jumped slightly by a ping of his phone, expecting it to be activity from the Karasuno group chat. However, the name on the contact was the last person Tadashi thought he would see: "Baby" His parents hadn't discontinued the payment, right? He opened his phone once more, and was greeted by an extended message.

_Tadashi,_

_You might be wondering what this is; it's a little something I put together as my "last present" to you. I know that you must be very confused, but this isn't the place to be explaining myself and what I presumably have done. And before we get too serious, tell my parents that if I'm a vegetable, to let me rot quickly in peace. I don't want to suck 90 grand a year from their bank account just for me not to wake up. It's better off if they spend it on all the other shit they were complaining about anyways._

_Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that I love you so, so much. You're single handedly the saving grace of my life. I could not tell you where I would be if I didn't befriend you, and I wouldn't change that for the world._

_That sound extremely contradictory.. But I think you saw that coming, you once said yourself that I was a walking Oxymoron. I know you learned that word that one day in English class, and you just wanted to use it in a sentence to feel smart._

_Don't worry; you sounded like a genius in my head._

The blue background and the white text as Tadashi's vision was clouded with tears. Just when he thought he couldn't cry any more, Kei always seemed to hit the sweet spot.

He wasn't complaining in any means. Even if Kei was physically gone, he had a guarantee of still making memories in his name.

_Now, this next thing may come as a shock to you, but I took the liberty to set up my emails and texts to send out one of my messages every once in a while._

_Today's cheesy romantic gesture is 100 reasons why I love you. I hope you enjoy this. I love you forever and always, and we're never going to be indivisible if you believe._

_Kei <3 _

Tadashi's eyes started welling up as he opened the attachment to the text, showing a list of indeed 100 reasons why he loved Tadashi.

_#1.) The smile you make when you hit one of your jump floater serves - it reminds me of you when we were kids and you had the obsession with Pokemon, and would get all excited if you got a new character card to play._

_#2) Your hands. They just seem like the perfect fit for me. Even thought I'm not the best at showing affection and overall not be a total bitch, you know I have a soft spot for the hands._

"Wow.. he really did this." Tadashi whispered as he scrolled through the stories.

_#46) the face you make when I kick your ass at Mario Kart but you demand a rematch- we could've been playing for 8 hours or 8 minutes, your expressions never got old._

_#75) your selflessness- I'll never forget the story that you comforted another kid who was a year younger, If I remember. You sat with her on the playground until she calmed down._

_#100) Your ability with kids : if I were still around, we'd have the prettiest babies. Who am I kidding, it's you. You'd have the most adorable babies for me to look over. I love you so much._

_Expect more from me coming to your devices soon!_

_Bot Kei signed off._

That's when he realized. Kei was right. They were indivisible, and impossible to detach; they were soulmates. Nothing, even death was ever going to change that.

He let out a sharp exhalation as he slid his blazer over his scrawny shoulders. The suit that once fit him beautifully was swallowing him whole; showing just how much weight he had lost.

What a very Kei thing to do. Losing all that weight, looking unhealthily skinny.

He had rarely worn the suit he had on. He had only purchased it 8 months prior to attend a distant relative's funeral he hadn't even talked to in well over a decade. He wished that he didn't have to wear the suit, or even step foot outside his room.

All he wanted was to fall asleep in Kei's arms one more time.

He knew that it was never going to happen, but he could dream. In fact, that was all he had dreamed about for 2 weeks. Every time he was about to fall asleep, encased in the safety of Kei, he was taken to the ICU; Kei hooked back up on all the tubes, beeping and hissing being the only sounds Tadashi could process. He would always cry out for Kei as he spirit separated from his body, and then the dream would abruptly end.

His worst nightmare, literally.

But he knew.

He knew that one day, he would be reunited with Kei, and be together forever. Nothing would be able to keep them apart; and they would become truly indivisible.

Suddenly, his fear of death started to melt away. He had never realized, but since Kei had passed, he was now there to greet Tadashi when his time on earth had ended. He couldn't wait.

"I'm coming for you Tsukki, you better be there when I go."


End file.
